Not Your Typical Valentine’s Day Blog

In I tried... on February 13, 2011 at 9:43 am

Ah, the token Valentine’s blog. An excuse for me not to have to think too hard for subject matter today, but also a bit of a dilemma when it comes to deciding what position to take on the topic. Should I be one of those single cynics that loves to break it down to the happy couples who think they’re celebrating love by exchanging heart-shaped iPod docks and fragrance box sets? (and in best friend NixyTixy‘s case, a very sharp, top-of-the-range kitchen knife – don’t ask). Or, option two, make an extravagant list of Valentine’s Day gift ideas and romantic activities to freak out my own boyfriend* (slowly getting used to using this delightful word) who may or may not be fully aware that the economy-boosting festival of love falls tomorrow (this could be the more amusing option if not damaging). Alas, I think the best way for MessyNessyChic to celebrate cupid’s holiday is to look at it objectively, with journalistic integrity and complete sincerity…

First things first and most importantly…

The Top Three Excuses if When You Forget Valentine’s Day

1. I thought we would do something different this year (i.e. nothing).

2. I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner. Where were you?

3. It’s time I tell you about my secret identity. I am Cupid. And I have a lot of responsibilities besides you.

Lingerie Trend Report: Thongs are like, SO 2008

(What NOT to wear this Valentine’s Day)

The thong song has been singing its last tune for a while now. Retail stores reported selling 2.5 times more boy shorts than thongs. And everyone agrees: your butt looks way hotter in boy shorts (the name by the way, does not do it justice). The style accentuates your curves, giving a peekaboo view of your cheeks and leaves something to the imagination. With the invention of seamless underwear and all sorts of cute girl-next-door alternatives* to derriere-flossing strings, MessyNessy is urging women everywhere to stop thinking that thongs are the way to go for looking and feeling sexy. Still not convinced? Okay then, they just make you look cheap. That’s why cheap men like them. There. The truth hurts.

*MessyNessy recommends Intimissimi for seamless underwear and Petit Bateau for cute cottons.

Above: Victoria's Secret Seamless underwear. Please comment on this post if you don't think this is sexy...


The Alternative Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

1. For When Love is Not Enough

Boyfriend: Oh sure sure, let’s cuddle. Let’s find that perfect, cosy embrace that puts just enough pressure on my arm to lose sensation in it forever.

Fret not grumpy old boyfriends. You can now replace your own body with ‘the Boyfriend Pillow’ during cuddle time and wave goodbye to dead arms forever. When she looks up at you longingly and asks, “what are you thinking about?”, no longer will you have to pretend that you aren’t thinking about how deliciously cold and spacious the other side of bed looks, because DeluxeComfort® has the solution.

Single girls everywhere this Valentine’s Day can enjoy it too, never having to feel alone again. They can even act like girlfriends and try to make the boyfriend pillow change that hideous shirt.

Oh, and don’t forget the cuddle-substitute for men, ‘The Girlfriend Lap Pillow’. Obviously Japanese.


Presenting the TwoDaLoo ($14,000)…

For the couple that likes to do everything together. There’s no reason that valuable minutes spent on the toilet need to be spent apart. Simultaneously unload your cargo while staring longingly into your love ones’ eyes.

(I don’t suppose you’ll be needing the links to any of these products…)


2. For when You Get Dumped on Valentine’s Day for “Acting crazy”

How dare he call you crazy and a danger to his well-being! Anyhoo, why not treat yourself to the Ex 5-Piece Knife Set with Unique Holder, ($69.99) as a new kitchen accessory to celebrate being newly single this Valentine’s day. Warning: NOT for use when he comes over to pick up the rest of his things…

3. Greeting Cards for the Real Romantic

Nothing says romance more than a greeting card like this. Good test to see if she has a sense of humour too.. Fancy a shag card- £2.50

Don’t look any further for a V-day card this year. Click on the above image to enlarge, print it out, fold along the dotted line and voila! Say ‘I Love You’ this Valentine’s Day with a card from supermarket superchain, Tesco (every little helps). I actually dare you.


4. For Couples that Don’t Take Themselves Too Seriously

I don’t care what any of you say, I think this is actually cute/ humorous and would totally be willing to inflict this embarrassing pillow twin set on my Valentine. ‘Me and you pillow set, £25’ at Urban Outfitters.


Sex and the City Always Spoke the Truth When it Came to Love

Who better to quote on Valentine’s Day than the cast of the one series that always revolved around love? Let’s take a look back at what some of the best one-liners from the show that are quite frankly, SO true.

“There is a good way to break up with someone, and it doesn’t include a post-it!” — Carrie

Samantha: Well, let’s just say it: you won.
Carrie: Was there a contest?
Samantha: Oh please! There’s always a contest with an ex. It’s called ‘who will die miserable’.

“After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.” — Mr. Big

“I think I have monogamy. I must have caught it from you people.” – Samantha

“Reality check. A guy can just as easily dump you if you f*** him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.” — Samantha

“When Charlotte really liked a guy, she said his whole name — it helped her to imagine their future monogrammed towels.” – Carrie

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.” — Carrie


Why Exactly Are We Celebrating Valentine’s Day Again? A Bit of History For You…

I always forget the story too, so let’s refresh our memory. More than a Hallmark holiday, Valentine’s Day, like Halloween, is rooted in pagan partying before the Catholic church was around to ruin the fun. The lovers’ holiday was then called Lupercalia, and traces its roots to Roman festivals where men stripped naked, grabbed goat-skin whips, and spanked young maidens in hopes of increasing their fertility (sounds like S&M to me).

The annual celebration, was held every year on February 15 and remained wildly popular well into the fifth century A.D.—at least 150 years after Christianity became the official religion of the Roman Empire. But soon enough, the church got its way and came up with a new P.G 13 version of events, dedicating the festival to the legend of St. Valentine. According to the story, in the third century A.D. Roman Emperor Claudius II, forbade young men to marry in an attempt to bulk up his army. Valentine went against the ban and performed marriages for lovers in secret. For his defiance, Valentine was executed on February 14, A.D. 270.


Five (rather useless) Valentine’s Day Facts

  1. Men spend almost twice as much on Valentine’s Day as women do (suckers!). This year, the average man will spend $156, while the average woman will only spend $85. People are taking this holiday way too seriously.
  2. According to the condom company Durex, condom sales are highest around Valentine’s Day, which are 20 percent to 30 percent higher than usual.

    FYI: CHANEL does not really produce condoms.

  3. More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other month. Awaiting comment on this from Durex’s press office.
  4. The Catholic Church removed St. Valentine’s Day from its official calendar in 1969. But that still didn’t make it a more popular religion.
  5. 15 percent of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day. So kinda like the time you had an imaginary friend… except you were 8 years old.

Just before I go, here’s a chance for me to get some more hits on my blog and direct you to some articles from last year when I was not at all a bitter singleton.

5 Things We Do In Relationships

5 Things We Do When We’re Single

  1. You forgot the best Sex and the City quote! “When men make bold gestures, they’re considered romantic. When women do it they’re considered Psycho or desperate.” Carrie.

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