Come on guys, Christmas Doesn’t Suck THAT much

In I am... on December 1, 2011 at 2:05 am

It’s that time of year again when little gingerbread men haunt my dreams. It’s also that time of year when people get kind of, you know … fat (totally unrelated to my problem with gingerbread men), shops and department stores pull out their terrifying, asbestos-accumulating artificial christmas trees and the streets are generally alight with festive cheer. Alight and cheer, I say!

You know us bloggers can get really busy during the Christmas period (laying on the couch), but fret not because you can rest assured that nothing will stop this blogger from bringing you more joyous Christmas blogs than your merry little heart could possibly desire (festive keywords guaranteed throughout).

Why? Because deep down, as much as we hate to admit it, Christmas doesn’t really suck that much…

And this post is merely a taster to celebrate that first little cardboard window I get to open on my advent calendar today (chocolates not included thanks to the thoughtless jerk who gave it to me).

Three, two, one, CHRISTMAS!

Ho, Ho, Ho. Bang, Bang, Bang!

Ah, nothing says Christmas like an AK-47. Making the holiday season fun again, it’s really what Santa has been missing all along I think, am I right? At the Scottsdale Gun Club in Arizona, the wholesome machine gun-loving folks have decided that standing in line to have your photo taken with regular old Santa is just lame. And what could possibly send more holiday cheer than a gun-toting, locked & loaded photo card with Santa posing as your hostage? These bright-eyed families look ready to blast away any sleigh-riding chimney creepers. Pure, pure joy.

Setting up for the precious shot…

His & Hers Gifts that might seem like a good idea at the time….

For Him: Little Printer

London design shop BERG has unveiled its Little Printer, which can print, every morning, a 10-inch receipt strip of capsule news, puzzles and social network summary.

Watch this to get a really good feel for it…

The idea of it seems kinda cute doesn’t it? Believe me, I wanted to like it too. But in the end, after a few seconds of careful thinking, you realize that if the Little Printer were a person, it would be that seriously annoying guy, wearing non-prescription glasses, an ‘ironic-for-the-middle-of-the-day’ bow tie complementing a his overall faux-vintage aura, silently screaming to anybody who happens to notice, “Look at me! I’m so quirky!

Yup, I’m afraid so, the Little Printer is one of those hipster gadgets we’ll only be trying to figure out a way to re-gift come January.

Sure it allows you to make cute little shopping checklists and helpful little reminders to stick on your fridge with those quirky little magnets you have. But then again, you and pretty much every other person living in civilization these days owns a decent smartphone that can do that for you– without having to carry around a piece of paper that will sooner or later become a pesky piece of trash stuffed in your pocket.

And putting aside the argument of whether or not Little Printer is useful … is this miniature receipt printing machine not a frightening, if not humiliating forecast of the future of printed news?

As if it was not already bad enough. Recent figures show that after the UK tabloid News of the World infamously closed, overall Sunday readership in the UK fell by an astonishing 17%. In case you haven’t had your Weetabix this morning, that basically means, when the world’s dumbest and lowest quality newspaper shut down, thousands and thousands of people decided they just didn’t want to read newspapers anymore.

Does the Little Printer still seem like a cute Christmas gift for your loved ones? Perhaps a good book instead …


For Her: The Pippa Middleton Butt-Enhancing Underpants

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a bizarro modern version of the Emperor’s New Clothes where I’m the little girl who is the only one willing to point out that the emperor is naked. Case in point. Pippa Middleton padded panties, dubbed ‘the Pippa’ (pictured above), is the latest fashion craze racking up sales just in time for Christmas.

Can no one else see? Why oh why is Pippa Middleton being glorified as the ass of the century? Has no one noticed that when the media talks about her amazing, incredible derriere, the only images they ever show of her are from the Royal Wedding in that very well cut Alexander McQueen dress?

THIS is Pippa’s bum on an average day…

Pretty average.

So boyfriends listen up! Before you go splurging on the “Pippa” for your gluteus maximus-challenged lady friend, don’t fall for the hype. Go for a good old “Beyoncé” or “Kim” for good measure (as seen below).

OR simply refrain from buying such an emotionally harmful christmas gift for your girlfriend altogether.

If I don’t get a Puppy for Christmas like these kids, you can just Forget it.

(that ‘puppy-for-christmas’ Youtube montage you’ve all been waiting for)

What kind of a human being would approve these Christmas lights in Paris?

Cheap discotheque, alien abduction, electrical insect zappers– just a few things that come to mind when I look at this year’s Christmas lights on the Champs Elysée. I’d like to express how angry I am about this travesty, this butchery of what is usually only a mildly tacky public display of holiday decorations. How could they? Robbed of its traditional festive charm, the famous French boulevard now looks more like it belongs in Russia pre-collapse of the USSR.

Apparently they are all LED, ‘zero-energy’ light fixtures. Yeah.. ? They’re still ugly.

Meanwhile in Australia…

Stupid, stupid speedo-wearing volleyball players are really rubbing it in with their easy-going fun in the sun.

Admitting I have a problem.

Day one. Box half empty.

Evil little gingerbread men. They’re haunting me from my very own kitchen.

We at MessyNessyChic (okay fine it’s just me) would like to apologize for any inconvenience to readers that the extreme holiday season enthusiasm may cause. And now return to your regularly scheduled ‘it’s okay to hate christmas‘ annual loathing…

  1. Really funny post! I have to say, I feel cheated that I never got a puppy for Christmas – damn my allergic sister!

  2. it’s just not the same if it’s not jumping out a box with a ribbon on christmas morning, is it?!

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